Brooklyn Responds to Consumer Reports: “What’s a Supermarket?”
Yesterday, Consumer Reports issued its list of Best Suprermarkets based on a survey of over 27,000 shoppers. New England chain Wegmans came in first, followed by Trader Joe’s and Publix rounding out the top three. One area of the United States was left out of this discussion, however, and now they’ve spoken up. Jake Wyner, a graphic designer who lives in Williamsburg, spoke for all of Brooklyn when he said, “We weren’t asked to be in the survey, which is, you know, whatever. I didn’t even know what a Supermarket was until my grandfather, who lives in Ohio, told me.”
Brooklynites don’t shop at Supermarkets, and they’re not sorry either.
“It’s silly to waste all your time in being all consumeristic,” added Shelliensta Dare, who spends her time occupying different administrative buildings when she’s not doing nothing at all in Green Point. “Like, can’t you just get whatever you need at Duane Reade?”
“Pssh, dude. Don’t be ridiculous. Supermarkets aren’t real,” Dr. Aralias Paltry, a professor of literature at Brooklyn College in Bedford said. “The idea began in Shakespeare and has been used to illustrate the loss of innocence and creativity, as well as man’s initial sin in Christian literature, in everything from movies to comic books ever since. In my opinion, the best Supermarket is, of course, the fabled Walmart. It has become a greater illustration of evil than The Dark Side in Star Wars or that TV clown, Donald Trump.”
Stephen, who refused to give his last name and who would only describe himself as a ‘A Visual Representation of Dante’s Divine Comedy’ took the debate a step farther, saying “Supermarkets defy the beauty of localism, man. I kill and grow, like, everything I eat myself because, I mean, you know, wait, who are you?” Stephen then wandered off to prepare another subway rat and sidewalk-chip burger while stroking his four-foot mustache styled to resemble a map of the Ottoman Empire.
At the end of the day, maybe these Hipsters are right. Who are we to say that – you know what? No. Forget it. They’re wrong. Screw Hipsters. Long live American Consumerism. Enjoy your cheeseburgers and extra large Coke’s everybody.