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Do You Even Moustache Bro?


Being 5 days into Moustache March, I am proud to say that I am participating this year. The truth is that I have been participating since last November AKA: Movember. I would like to compare the growth of my moustache to the distance from Earth to Mars. On a report I read, it stated that it took around 150 days to get to Mars. It is now March 5th and my moustache still resembles wires. I have not given up hope nor shall I; I have spent over 150 days with it and it can only go uphill (hopefully not literally), right?

Seriously, manly moustache men shut up and stop mocking me.

Ever since I was a little kid I’ve dreamed of the grandeur of a moustache, a luscious beard and flowing facial hair. I wanted to be a “mans man.” Indeed I counted down the hours till puberty, because I knew — I knew that when I turned 16 or 17, hair would appear on my face. Alas, as I turned 16, my constant mirror gazing did not yield me the expected results. Yet me being me, I tenaciously looked in the mirror daily carrying on till my late teens.

I am now 23 and still have no facial hair. Fear thy not, Bodybuilding.com said that late bloomers acquire it 25-30. Worse comes to worst I can always get some Rogaine! So for anyone like me I have compiled a short list of beneficial reasons for lack of facial hair

1) I started with the Dollar Shave Club because it was an affordable way to get razors and it sounded awesome; plus, it was really cheep. Around the 3 month mark I realized that I had so many blades I could basically start my own company. I did some digging and found out that I was able to go on a bi-monthly plan. I did that for another few months but I still didn’t have the facial hair to rationalize having a bevy of blades. Finally, I cancelled the plan and nearly a year later I still have enough for another year.

2) My dad, my grandpa, pretty much anyone with facial hair has always complained about shaving daily. Constantly bitching about their manly qualities. Well, let’s just say I have an extra 10 minutes a day to do whatever I want. It’s safe to say I waste that time on the computer.

3) You know what they say: The longer you have to wait for something, the more you will appreciate it when it finally arrives. That just may be the case with me. It will be like getting the ultimate gift from me, to me.

4) As there is an unlikely but not impossible chance that facial hair won’t suit me, maybe it’s best I don’t have it. Never mind, scratch that, it totally suits me and I will proudly rock my moustache.

I guess all in all I am excited that my wires allow me to participate this March. I’m not bitter, don’t worry about me…