Robots5_1 Arts & Culture

I Can’t Wait Until the Robots Take My Job


Last week, Bill Gates made a bold statement. He said that Robots will be replacing us at many of our jobs. This prompted a fear that those of us closer to the bottom will suffer from the loss of low-paying jobs.

Not me. I can’t fucking wait.

I’m 27 years old, and I’ve been in the workforce for 9 years now. In that time, I’ve had a over a dozen different jobs. Mostly service industry, some labour, and I was even an honest-to-God, door-to-door salesman. I’ll tell you something that very few people who do those jobs will admit:

Those jobs are incredibly easy.

Don’t get me wrong, they’re as unpleasant as hell, but they’re definitely not difficult. Most of these jobs are completed by disgruntled workers stretching two hours worth of work over 8 hours, just so that they can pay their rent. We frantically hustle and exaggerate our task when you’re looking, but as soon as you turn around, we go back to discussing the next season of Game of Thrones. If we did the job in 2 hours, then management would send us home with only 25% of the pay. This is why it makes sense to pretend our jobs are harder than they really are.

This is what I can’t wait to end. The bullshit masquerade of ‘no one else could do this job because this job is very challenging’. We need the robots to take over these jobs now. I can’t wait until ServerBot gets yelled at because some angry customer didn’t realize there was gluten in the bread he had ordered. I hope JanitorTron has as much fun mopping up sick kid’s puke as I do.

Oh, and I want the robots to take your job too. I know your job is easy, I’ve watched you do it. During those hours I was making work last ridiculously long, I studied you. You sit at a desk, and send some emails. You have pointless meetings. You offer to do coffee runs for the whole office so that you can go outside for an hour. You take up smoking so you can break whenever you want. Don’t feel bad, I get it. You’re just doing the white collar version of what blue collar workers do. Have no fear though, we can automate that as well. I want everyone’s job automated! Stock traders, doctors, bankers. Especially bankers. They have clearly proven that they aren’t good at their jobs.

Oh, and politicians. I hope someday soon we can go to the ballots and, rather than voting for people, we can vote for what issues we care about, and PresidentBot2016 just takes care of them.

We’re overdue for this, we’ve worked long enough.

“But what will we do for jobs?” you ask.

Well, we will all just have to go back to school, and learn stuff. Not for any reason, necessarily, just learning for the sake of it, or instead of going to school, people will finally be free in their artistic pursuits. They will be able to use their innate talents instead of pretending to work. Is there a McDonald’s worker who’s time would be better spent writing poetry or painting, instead of inquiring if you want fries with that? Maybe once the robots start to take care of business, we can just pay the rent and tuition for those people at the bottom. Then they aren’t forced to spend 40 hours a week in a deceitful, impressionistic pantomime of simulating work, just so they can have a place to store their bed.

And maybe, just maybe, because everything will be automated and the top earners will be making even more money than they are now, we can pay for said school and rent by taking a small portion of those new profits and re-assigning them to those who just got replaced.

It probably won’t happen like that, but I can dream.


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