Letter of Introduction to Future Employers
Cardboard Box 17,
Lower Wacker Dr,
Chiberia, (Syberia, but with a Chi [SHY]),
To Whom it May Concern,
This letter of introduction is to demonstrate the interest held by myself in any open position you may have at the Chiberian location of your empire/corporation/industry/warehouse/shop/restaurant/lemonade stand.
It has come to my attention, within the next few months, I am to begin paying off the federal and state loans amassed while earning the education I’ve happily gained over the last two decades. Sadly, my current living conditions on Lower Wacker Drive do not allow me to hold a steady stream of internet connection. If an attempt to contact me in response to this inquiry goes unanswered, you will need to wait it out until I can get to a public library, find a computer not being used to search for the latest celeb-homemade video, and get back in touch with you.
I feel I’m more than able to fill any position within your place of business due to the fact I hold three Bachelor’s degrees and two Master’s degrees. With the state of the Union in which we reside, I’m more than willing to begin at the bottom and work my way up to the highest apex of your money-making powerhouse. Unless I am already over qualified in the collective eyes and minds of your board of suits and/or business collaborators. If such be the case, I will keep my head up and continue my quest to be a contributing member to the Great American Dream.
The Great American Dream
This is a funny phrase. When I was a kid, oh so many moons ago, the Great American Dream was to attain an education – be it in a classroom or workroom – to better yourself and your surroundings, to have a three bedroom home, produce some children and have a dog with a white picket fence surrounding your humble estate.
Today, this Great American Dream seems to branch off in two different directions. The first leans more toward getting yourself out of the debt you put yourself in after paying far too much money to receive an education. You also have to find the man or woman you were meant to spend the rest of your forever with, while happily supporting the family you produce together, all while still finding the time to encourage the growth of America.
The second direction, however, seems to be drastically different than the first. This direction tends to see the voyager collecting more and more debt – but without the “paid for education” which comes from the classroom. It also tends to mean you don’t need to find a place in the industry you spent years learning and earning your degrees in and having to settle for a spot at the table doing something like, lets say, substitute teaching. (Note: This is not a dig at substitute teachers. I myself am a sub.)
So not to confuse you, I assure you, hopeful future employer, I am an American who follows the first route of the American Dream.
To inform you –and the rest of the educated, fine suit-wearing, decision-making officials of your company– of my educations, below, I list each degree and the name of each institution degree was earned;
• Bachelor of Busch Light Chugging – Creekside Camping University.
• Bachelor of Agriculture Science – Middle of Illinois Farmtown College.
• Bachelor of Jim Croce Songs – Leroy Brown Institute for Badasses.
• Master of Saying What I Feel and Feeling What I Say – Columbia (the art school, not the smart school)
• Master of Realizing It’s Not Like It Used To Be – Born in the ‘70s State.
I understand, the government has promised each of us the pursuit of happiness and it is merely the time for multi-billion dollar corporations to be happy, so my request for the chance to be happy may go unnoticed for a certain period. This is acceptable because, well, it may just not be time for me to live happily. But patiently, I am waiting. Waiting like the other Americans who were encouraged to go to school to better themselves to be fed our next meal at a homeless shelter because student loans were too much for us, and have landed us all on the street. Waiting like all the others who were promised or are entitled to the benefits for work completed which have never been received. Waiting like the ill for the medicine we need to mend us; but, the medicine isn’t being dished out for reasons only understood by the people holding onto it. Waiting like the rest of the English speaking population of America for the need to not “push 1 for English” when I call any business in this country. And waiting, for certain people in this country to realize they need to do just that, before trying to run the countries around the World.
In hopes of hearing from you soon, I will remain in Cardboard Box 17, Lower Wacker Drive, Chiberia, Illinois for your response.