NASA Hunt for Meteor Ends with Startling Discovery in Burlington Woodshed
In an announcement made public by NASA late yesterday, the meteor which crashed in Southern Ontario last week has been located near a country home outside of Burlington. The meteor, which caused both journalists, and adventurers alike to comb the region offered more than just a once in a lifetime opportunity for shed-owner Olson Pemberton- it also changed his life forever. “I can taste what you’re feeling!” the farmer exclaimed when this reporter met with him yesterday, “and you, you taste like grape.” He concluded.
Mr. Pemberton, 68, has claimed since touching the object, he has had the ability to “taste emotions”. “I know what you all are thinking- crazy old farmer. But I promise you, it’s real”.
The farmer discovered his new power after returning the country home he and his wife have owned for forty years. “I went in to show Helena (my wife) the piece of rock that tore one hell of a hole through the roof of the shed, but before I could, all I could taste was almonds.”
Believing the almond taste to be a sign of stroke, Pemberton’s wife contacted emergency services. Upon their arrival, according to Olson, “It was like a giant fruit salad! The ambulance folks tasted like oranges and pineapples, and Ben Sellers- the constable? Pete and Cathy’s boy? Well, he tasted like oatmeal.” Constable Sellers, of the Ontario Provincial Police stated, “Mr. Pemberton raced over to me, as soon as I arrived, and stated I ‘tasted like oatmeal’. He then suggested I see a doctor, as apparently this was not a natural taste… for humans.”
NASA was quick to deflect the claims. “We are not certain the qualities of the rock in question would be capable of changing one’s synaptic relays,” NASA spokesperson Louisa Askaponi stated this morning, “but we are taking every precaution.”
Not The First Time..
This is not the first time, according to Askaponi, that contact with a meteor has affected the human in contact with it. “Actually, there have been a few cases of mental adjustments due to galactic influence.” She then named off a few other recorded incidents, “the Pinkerton meteor gave someone the ability to sing all of the songs from Chicago, having only seen the movie version three times. We have had reports of grasshopper sensitivity, an artist who can only paint with tomato paste, and yodel-stuttering, the unfortunate syndrome of continuously yodeling, but with a horrible stutter.”
Askaponi went on to explain all of these incidents have one thing in common, the meteors in each case had trace amounts of Glistrophenaloxize, which is believed to be the cause of the changes. In the case of Pemberton’s Burlington meteor, this mineral did not appear. “Honestly,” Asksaponi confided, “I though the man was making it up- until he told me I had a ‘serious waffles and maple syrup thing going on’. It made sense. I woke up this morning feeling like a big pile of them. The story seems to be true, so I have no idea what we are dealing with.”