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Over It: January Birthdays

Screw January birthdays. I have never liked my birthday! Not this year, not last year, not ever. December holidays culminate in New Year celebrations, and then January birthdays are anticlimactic at best; at worst, they’re forgotten.

I remember discussing with friends a while back at a bar that if I were to ever have my own nation I would get rid of birthdays and implement a “National Happy Birthday Day.” What’s not to like? One extra holiday (paid of course), where everyone will be off work so you can celebrate your birthday(s) together; it will be the second most wonderful time of the year, and no one would forget about it.

To that end, when would I have Happy Birthday Day?


No, no, no! My birthday is already in January and I abhor it. People think it’s too soon to get you another present, and it’s so close to New Years that everyone has been partied out to the max. It goes like this: “Want to come to my birthday party Rob?” I say. Rob replies, “Sorry man, I just made a resolution to stop drinking and spend more time with my family.” Yeah, January is ruled out!


Well that’s a joke. Where I live, February is called “Blue February,” because it is the month when all the bills from Christmas arrive and everyone is either sad or depressed. I bet you are thinking, “If everyone is blue why not cheer them up with a birthday party?” However, implementing National Happy Birthday Day does not mean that no one should get any presents. And if there’s one thing that’s likely to take a bite out the number of birthday presents going around, its the proliferation of people who are nursing their funds in lieu of bills which need to be paid. And then there’s Valentine’s Day, so February is definitely not it.


Sure, spring is around the corner, and Daylight Saving Time is sometime during the month, so this seems feasible right? Wrong! Don’t forget about spring break. What happens if Birthday Day falls in and around that time? What happens if your friends go away to see family or go on vacation? Then, there will be no one showing up at your party. Sure you could argue that going on vacation with your friends is a party on its own, but I believe in the traditional birthday party. Laser tag, bowling, party hats, whatever. Spring break is separate.


Ok, now we are talking! In April we have Easter, Passover, 4/20, and decent weather (but not too decent that people will be planning beach vacations). No one buys adults Easter  or Passover presents, so its not as if party guests can cop out  because they’ve had to buy presents for a recent holiday occasion. April is a contender!


Another viable month to have National Happy Birthday Day, great weather and no major holidays. 


Now this is just a bad idea: school is over people are leaving to vacation or see their families. The idea of having National Happy Birthday Day in June may sound like a good idea, but is it worth the gamble of no one showing up because they are away? Questionable.


Yet another no… People are away on summer vacation, and the festivals, just think of the festivals! Party planning nightmare. This is definitely not a month to consider whatsoever.


By now you have lost contact with friends who have been away for the summer. Most people aren’t back from wherever the hell they are and everyone who is back is dreading the end of summer, the start of the school year, and the return of cold weather.


Yeah right, think again. People are tapped out from vacations and back-to-school gear, not to mention you are meeting new people at school who don’t know you well enough to go paint balling or laser tag with. Hell, they won’t even know you well enough to get you that new shiny toy that you hint at weeks before your birthday.


Besides the weather being colder, this may be a good option for us. Its definitely a month open enough to expect some payoff from your friends who are solid enough to shell out for your high birthday demands. You may even have even have a romantic partner by now, if you didn’t have one earlier in the year. That said, it’s cold so if you want to go do something outdoors to celebrate, the conditions aren’t ideal. Although you could combine your birthday party with Halloween to have yourself a costume party without having to think up a theme!


Thanksgiving is the only holiday really and its not as if Thanksgiving is a real financial burden on anyone not called your parents. Too cold and so just not happening. There is snow on the ground, people are saving money for Christmas, the risks are just too high. No, National Happy Birthday Day cannot happen in November.


This is the absolute worst month to do it, just a notch worse than January. People will combine your Christmas gift with your Birthday gift and you will be pissed. Plus it’s the end of the year and people are bound to be busy, or away, just like those darn summer months. There’s no way National Birthday Day can happen in December, the karmic imbalance within the presents force would simply be too great!

With both the summer and the winter months effectively removed from the table all we have left are April, May, and October. And luckily for everyone, its only March and we have a long way to go before Sebastian Land is created, so don’t stress about it.

At least not yet…

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