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No Sex For You

Lets talk about sex.

Remember when you were young, let’s say 10-years old, and everybody who would gather at your Great Aunt Flo’s house for Easter brunch or Uncle Eddie’s place for Christmas carols and egg nog? Remember they all had these great opinions they tried to pass on to you in hopes you would live by these things for the rest of your life?

Don’t use a blow dryer in the shower. Don’t stick your finger in the blender. Watching t.v. will make you go blind.

Yeah, that kind of shit.

Do you also remember how they all told you that sex was bad? Sex is evil. Sex is only for married people who are trying to make babies.

What a bunch of liars the people we loved while growing up, eh?

Since we all now know sex isn’t just for reproduction, most of us partake in the event of bumping uglies long before we settle down in the three bedroom ranch house in the burbs we’re destined to live in with the man or woman we are to be with for the rest of forever.

Think about that. The rest of forever.

The Rest Is Forever

Now, before forever gets here, most of us have done the deed with a partner – or 10 – who was never in the running to be our “The Rest Of Forever running-mate”. So what? We’re not going to Hell for it. And if we are, well, I’ll see ya when ya get there.

Speaking of hell, I’d like to send these following types of people directly to the flame engulfed basement of the World  first. In no particular order, here they are.

  1. The guy who feels he is so good at what he does while having sex he refuses to take any of the tips/ideas/how to manuals from any of his partners. Listen, guy, you’ve been going down on her for 2-minutes and you’re giving up because you are certain she can’t cum, via your tongue. She’s telling you what she needs, listen to her and do it exactly like she says. She knows her body better than you think you do.
  2. The gal who is so emerged in her on-line life she must, I repeat, MUST, bring the damn phone to rest on the pillow next to her while getting it on. Even if her partner – man or woman – makes her cum seven different ways to Sunday and she looks at the damn phone once, her partner will think she didn’t enjoy it. When in the moment, put the phone in the purse or keep it in your pants.
  3. The foolish fellas who think females who are young are automatically going to be mind blowing in bed because they will have no reservations or fears. Fools. Young girls, in my experience, know very little about themselves, let alone what the hell it is they want or need in the bedroom.
  4. The non-returners. These folks are the ones who get what they want, and give nothing back at all. Listen, I don’t need a blowjob every time we get naked, but it’d be nice if you offered up the service every once and again. Same goes for the guys, if she blows your mind (pun intended) because she actually knows what she’s doing and likes to do it (and don’t lie ladies, we know a good majority of you do) show her you appreciate it and return the damn favor.
  5. Neither of you are robots. This is to be taken in two ways. (1) Neither one of you can have sex five times a day, seven days a week, 52 weeks a year and shouldn’t be expected to. (2) There is no need to do the exact same thing every time you’re together. Change it up.
  6. Any of you who compare the sex you have with the porn you watch. They are movies, with actors and scripts. Not real life.

Now, go and get on with getting it on, would ya.