Trueblue Magazine Job Creative

The Resume of Every 20-Something-Year-Old


 MY NAME

(As it appears on my birth certificate, not what people actually call me)

OBJECTIVE:

To get hired by the person that I am handing this resume to. Duh! Why is this even a section on the resume template? I would delete it, but I am afraid that “real” companies require it. Why else would it be on the template?

STRENGTHS:

  • -Am so desperate for a job that I will basically take anything
  • -Very patient when teaching my baby-boomer co-workers, who can’t even do the most basic computer   tasks that I seriously could do when I was 8 years old
  • -Can capture and train a very balanced team of up to 6 Pokemon
  • -So overloaded with debt that you can get away with paying me nothing
  • -Knows where all the free wifi hotspots in the city are
  • -Still live with my Mom, who makes cookies which I can bring in to share

 

WORK EXPERIENCE:

Server/Bartender                                                                            Since Graduating – Present

  • -Serving extremely marked up food and liquor
  • -Pretending this is a difficult job that only I can do
  • -Babysitting drunk adults that hit on my co-workers who are 20 years younger than them

 

Intern at Evil Corporation                                                       Summers breaks during College

  • -Got coffee for anyone who yelled at me loud enough
  • -Stood idly by while evil corporation ruined the economy and/or environment for personal gain
  • -Learned to use all the meaningless buzzwords, like “results-oriented” and “synergy”

 

Cashier at Fast Food Restaurant                                           High school years – College years

  • -Inquired whether you wanted fries with that
  • -Hid my contempt for customers very well
  • -Regularly showed up to work, despite it being a terrible, pointless, soul-crushing job

 

EDUCATION:

University

  • -Meaningless $70,000 Degree
  • -Spent almost every night drinking and trying to sleep with my co-eds
  • -Was basically an excuse to not live with my parents for 5 years

High School

  • -Only on my resume to fill in the all of the white space still left on my resume

REFERENCES: 

Available Upon Request.*

*This means please do not request a reference. I hate every boss I’ve ever had and don’t want to ask any of them to vouch for me. Especially not the boss where I currently work, because I am afraid he is going to give me a bad reference so that I have to stay working for him and continue doing all the work for no money. If pressed for a reference, I will give you the number of my friend Sarah who will pretend to be my current boss and she will lie and say how great I am. She’s British, so she sounds really smart.

 


Comments are closed.