Yoga Pants: Stretching The Truth Too Far?
“Don’t get me wrong. I love a good yoga pant as much as the next person.” – Holly LaRue
Yoga pant season is soon upon us and I felt it necessary to debunk some falsities that people seem to have about these magical pants. I decided to make it my goal to put a stop to this charade and present to you the truth behind yoga pants. First let me begin by saying that yoga pants are nothing more than terrible lies (which is why women everywhere love them). Yoga pants are revered for their ability to disguise the lower halves of women. For example, many yoga pants have the unexplainable ability to make just about every woman’s rump look absolutely fabulous.
I’ve even heard women refer to yoga pants as their “butt bra”. They lift, plump and shape your booty to new and flattering heights. A lot of yoga pants also have a high waist band which suck and tuck any loose belly fat away into some sort of hidden pocket built into the pants. Feeling bloated? No problem! Throw on your yoga pants and you’ve instantly dropped a couple pounds. Thighs jiggling out of control again? Slip on some yoga pants and your worries are gone! To top it off, yoga pants are now acting as what women would call “transitional pieces” meaning we can wear them to bed and then to the office the next day. Winning!
Really Good! (In Theory)
All of this is good in theory, but realistically, yoga pants are destroying our society. I decided to google some random questions such as “why do women wear yoga pants?” and “why we love yoga pants”. What I found was some rather alarming information. So, let me bring you all back down to Earth and shatter your yoga pant wearing dreams forever.
The following is based on actual articles written by women about yoga pants:
Lie #1: You can eat and drink as much as you please!
False. Wearing yoga pants does not permit you to stuff your face with eight cheeseburgers. Actually, if you’re eating eight cheeseburgers to begin with you should seriously take into consideration the irony that follows wearing yoga pants….and eating eight cheeseburgers. You’ll still develop a massive muffin top either way. So really, you’re not doing yourself any favours. In fact, they should have a disclaimer tag on the pants that reads “Caution: Consuming food while wearing yoga pants will cause magical properties of said yoga pants to become null and void.”
Lie #2: You can wear them anytime!
No. No you can’t. What is it about the term “yoga” pants that women just aren’t understanding? You wear yoga pants while doing yoga. If you want to wear some other type of stretch pant, wear some leggings or jeggings! Wearing yoga pants anytime is seriously bordering on the “wearing your pajamas around town” rule. Just because something is comfortable to wear doesn’t mean it should be worn in public. I think that wearing my underwear and knee high slippers are comfortable but I’m not about to do my grocery shopping in this ensemble. So the jig is up – you’re not fooling anyone but yourself. You can’t wear your yoga pants anytime you want.
Lie #3: They make your butt look fabulous!
False again. You already need to have a great ass in order for your ass to look great. If you have a large and in charge ass or your nick name is Big Booty Judy, wearing yoga pants will only accentuate this feature. But be careful! One wrong yoga pant and your badonkadonk will end up looking like some type of weird sausage forced into its casing. And on the opposite end of the spectrum, if you have no ass, yoga pants cannot provide one for you. In fact, yoga pants can easily camouflage your butt into your back. So know your body and dress accordingly.
Lie #4: They make you look athletic!
Are you kidding me? This follows the same premise as the butt theory – you already need to be athletic to look athletic. Wearing a pair of yoga pants is not going to transform you into a certified yoga trainer. You had cellulite on your ass before you put them on, you’ll still have cellulite when you take them off. Maybe if you are trying to obtain an athletic image you should start doing some yoga! After all, you’ve already got the pants for it.
Lie #5: Everyone can wear yoga pants!
This is probably the biggest lie of them all. Have you ever seen a man wear yoga pants? Didn’t think so. If you did, then we would be experiencing an epidemic of moose knuckles. Speaking of which, yoga pants, despite having the ability to transform some women’s bodies do not have the ability to transform all bodies. You see, yoga pants have another secret power, the power of camel toes. Yes, that’s right. Yoga pants are notorious for giving women frontal wedgies which are flattering on no one. If your crotch is eating the yoga pants, this is a clear indication you cannot sport the yoga pant. Women need to remember that your lower half has both a front and a back so although your ass may look fabulous, there is a horrible massacre happening in the front. Pay attention.
But(t), Who Doesn’t Love’em?
Don’t get me wrong, I love a good yoga pant as much as the next person. They truly are magnificent creations and do wonders for the female figure. I’ve caught myself on numerous occasions looking at my behind in the mirror and thinking “How…how is that possible? It was down here before and now it’s up here!” Yoga pants are interesting and there is much debate sprouting over them. Are they too revealing? Is it ok for young girls to be wearing yoga pants given the attention that they already draw to women’s bodies? Yoga pants are no longer considered a workout must-have but rather a fashion statement that still needs some tweaking and much needed rules and regulations. In conclusion, don’t be fooled by the yoga pant or the illusions they create.